On a certain level, let’s face it, that is sort of egregious. The Dallas Cowboys had just delighted a whole nation outside of north Texas (in addition to their annoying pockets of scattered subway alumni) by being eliminated within the NFL playoffs by the favored San Francisco 49ers Sunday evening.
Now, as we all know, the Cowboys are, in some ways, the football version of the Yankees, and inside the realm of football they’re the skilled version of Notre Dame. There aren’t any fan bases more vibrant, alive, passionate and zealous (also, depending in your standpoint: annoying, insufferable, irritating and exasperating) than those belonging to the Yankees, the Cowboys and the Fighting Irish.
There is no such thing as a middle ground. There is no such thing as a gray area. You either love or you detest.
And, well, while a pleasant (or disturbing) variety of Cowboys fans went straight to Twitter after 49ers 19, Cowboys 12 to point out the world how many various ways a television will be destroyed in a pique of rage, you type of assumed that the Cowboys’ own Twitter feed would attempt to calm the masses and urge the higher angels of their nature.
After all, a few years go, Felix Unger taught us what happens if you ass/u/me.
This was posted at 11:58 p.m. Sunday:
@dallascowboys: Dak Prescott gave away the ball twice within the narrow loss to the 49ers, in a matchup the Cowboys had a likelihood to win in the event that they didn’t generate self-inflicted wounds, #DALvsSF #DallasCowboys
And, well, as we said. Egregious on a certain level.
But on every other level?
Hilarious. Absolutely 100% hysterical.
And it’s a reminder that the world was denied a lot unbridled and uninhibited comedy by the undeniable fact that it took until 2009 or so for somebody to invent Twitter, and permit someone like poor Dak Prescott to get thrown under not only a bus but by everything of the Port Authority, Grand Central and Penn Stations, too.
I mean, the chances are only limitless.
@TheRealKingGeorgeIII: OMG, Charlie Cornwallis just gave away his sword?!?! SMH! He commands the best army Earth has ever known and he just handed his sword away to a bunch of farmers, factory staff and carpenters? #NotMyGeneral #YoullBeBack
One in all the best movie arguments of all time is which film is best: “The Godfather” or “The Godfather Part 2.” But when Twitter had been an element of the Corleones’ world around 1950 or so, then the doomed middle brother would never have had a prayer of constructing it to the sequel, where he was a necessary piece of the plot.
@IAmFredoIAmSmart: LMAO! My kid brother Mikey has to know higher than to return to Las Vegas and confer with a person like Moe Green like that! WTF?! #HelloJohnnyOla #IdRatherBFishing
But in fact nothing stirs the imagination greater than sports, and what wasn’t and what might have been. Imagine if Twitter had existed on Oct. 3, 1951, within the PR offices at Ebbets Field:
@BrooklynDodgers: Let’s see if we get this straight: Branca can pitch to the green rookie waiting on deck, Mays, and as an alternative he decides to throw a fastball to Thomson? PLMK should you are feeling as sick as we’re tonight #ThanksRalph #GiantsRCheaters #NiceYard #WaitTillNextYear
Or this quote tweet on the Orange Bowl in Miami, on Jan. 12, 1969, when the Colts began straggling into the locker room after Super Bowl III and a certain player saw a jubilant tweet from the victors?
@nyjets: Guarantees are real! #WorldChamps #JoeWillieSaidSo
RT: @JohnnyU19: it could be nice if our deaf, dumb and blind coach would’ve noticed after the primary six or seven interceptions that the old man, Morrall, didn’t have it today. IDK … possibly put a HALL OF FAMER OUT THERE, Coach Drooler? #DonCantWinTheBigOne #WeChoked
But, in fact, there’s one untweeted tweet that may’ve set the gold standard. From some unmarked basement room within the Kremlin, Moscow, Feb. 22, 1980:
@USSR/CCCPOfficial: All 20 of you might be disgrace to Motherland. What sort of ideet pulls the best goaltender within the history of hockey!?!? Benefit from the Siberian Hockey League. #YOLO #WeWillBuryYou