UNIDENTIFIED PERSON, BYLINE: The next program was taped in front of an audience of real live people.
BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, that is WAIT WAIT… DON’T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I’m not Gen Z. I’m Gen B – Bill Kurtis.
(CHEERING)
KURTIS: And here is your host on the Studebaker Theater on the Wonderful Arts Constructing in Chicago, Ailing. – from the Best Generation, Peter Sagal.
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thanks, Bill.
(CHEERING)
SAGAL: Thanks, everybody. Now we have an important show for you today. After all, afterward, we’ll be joined here on stage by Chicago’s own Andrew Bird, the acclaimed musician who’s, amongst many, many other things, the best whistler alive. He’s to whistling what Bill Kurtis is to simply talking.
SAGAL: That is high praise, indeed.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: We wish you to whistle while we work, so give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAITWAIT. That is 1-888-924-8924. Now, let’s welcome our first listener contestant.
Hi, You are on WAIT WAIT… DON’T TELL ME.
SCOTT APPLEBAUM: Hi, Peter. How are you? It’s Scott Applebaum calling from Philadelphia.
SAGAL: Hey, how are things in one among our favourite cities, Philly?
APPLEBAUM: Oh, Peter, it is usually sunny in Philadelphia.
SAGAL: I’ve heard that. I’ve heard that. What do you do there?
APPLEBAUM: I work in pharmaceuticals. I’m a pharmaceutical lawyer.
SAGAL: Are you actually? What kind of devious things do pharmaceutical lawyers must do?
(LAUGHTER)
APPLEBAUM: We are the ones who be certain that we do not do the devious things. We just spend our time helping everyone live healthy lives.
SAGAL: Aw, that’s an excellent line.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Let me introduce you to our panel this week, Scott. First, his latest stand-up comedy special, “What A Day!,” just debuted and is offered now on Netflix. It’s Tom Papa.
TOM PAPA: Hey.
SAGAL: Hi, Tom.
PAPA: Hello.
SAGAL: Next, a comedian who can be headlining Zanies in Chicago on Jan. 16. It’s Adam Burke.
APPLEBAUM: Hello.
ADAM BURKE: Hi, Philly.
(APPLAUSE)
APPLEBAUM: Hi, Adam.
SAGAL: And making her debut on our panel, a comedian and actor you may see in “Upload” on Amazon Prime. It’s Zainab Johnson.
(CHEERING)
ZAINAB JOHNSON: Hey.
KURTIS: Hey, Zainab.
JOHNSON: Hi.
SAGAL: Scott, welcome to the show. You are going to play Who’s Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis goes to read you three quotations from this week’s news. Should you can accurately discover or explain two of them, you’ll win our prize, the voice from our show that you just might select in your voicemail. Are you able to go?
APPLEBAUM: Yes, I’m.
SAGAL: All right. Let’s do it then. Here is your first quote.
KURTIS: I burst into tears, and I used to be jumping up and down within the waiting room.
SAGAL: That was a physicist describing the moment she came upon her lab in California had achieved what scientific breakthrough?
APPLEBAUM: Something about nuclear fusion.
SAGAL: Nuclear fusion – yes, indeed.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Nuclear fusion, yes. Yay, nuclear fusion.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: It seems, nuclear fusion is just not only a disgusting energy drink that your teenage son is obsessive about. It’s a really big deal. Now, the explanation this is vital is because what nuclear power plants do now’s fission, and that involves ripping an atom apart, leaving numerous waste, while fusion involves smashing atoms together. And in the event you need more detail than that, just ask probably the most tedious person .
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: Once you say smash atoms, you do not mean Adam Burke, right?
SAGAL: No, I do not.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: Simply to be clear.
SAGAL: I’ve tried that. It generates no energy.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: In actual fact, I just get drained.
PAPA: OK. You think that this is basically going to take off? – because I even have made a considerable investment in a windmill in Iowa, and I used to be pretty confident that that is the best way we were going.
SAGAL: Just about.
BURKE: Have you ever tried smashing the windmills together?
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: I actually only – there was just one. It was on this guy’s yard. Is that not how windmills work?
SAGAL: No. In actual fact, there are people who find themselves like, come on, we have got solar panels. Those are great. We have wind power. Why aren’t you enthusiastic about that? But here’s the thing. Fusion – That is, like – that is the stuff that powered the spaceships and “Star Wars” and “Star Trek.” And even higher, fusion powers the DeLorean in “Back To The Future II.” That signifies that as of this week, we’re an important step closer to with the ability to kiss our young, hot mothers.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: It’s nice to listen to fusion getting used for something apart from an awful culinary mash-up…
KURTIS: Exactly.
BURKE: …Or, like, the worst music you’ve got ever heard.
SAGAL: It’s amazing that once they activate the fusion reactor, what you get out of it’s, like, kimchi on a taco. You are like, whoa. Zainab, were you excited by this announcement, as all of the geeks were?
JOHNSON: I mean, I would love to be, but I do not know. The rationale – the best way I read it was that now we’ll must pay for the sun…
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Right.
JOHNSON: …And I that.
SAGAL: I would not put it past them if, like, what they did was they discovered how you can bill us for sunlight.
JOHNSON: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: All right. Here is your next quote, Scott.
BURKE: Put your mask back on.
SAGAL: That was not you talking to a different passenger within the bus this morning. It was a warning from a physician at Vanderbilt University about what latest health threat we face this winter?
APPLEBAUM: Would that be COVID?
SAGAL: It’s COVID. I’m going to provide it to you ’cause it is not just COVID. It’s COVID plus the flu plus a disease often known as RSV.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: It’s the tripledemic.
APPLEBAUM: Oh, the tridemic.
SAGAL: The tridemic, the tripledemic, the disease threesome, wherever you ought to go along with it – it’s fantastic.
PAPA: Three Virus-eers (ph).
SAGAL: Right. Yeah. So COVID – it’s still with us. And it’s made even worse this 12 months because we now have the tripledemic. That is when you’ve the COVID plus the flu and the RSV, and you have won the Belmont Stakes.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: Why do they at all times give you the cool names for bad stuff?
JOHNSON: Yeah.
BURKE: Like, tripledemic is pretty cool…
SAGAL: Yeah.
BURKE: …You understand? – or tridemic.
SAGAL: It does sound like a like a late-career Sylvester Stallone movie.
PAPA: It sounds scary, but it is extremely convenient, is not it? I mean, we were so near having to go home to see our families this Christmas.
SAGAL: Oh, no. It is the tripledemic.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: Just within the nick of time.
BURKE: So it is not a tripledemic. It is a Christmas miracle.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Now, doctors do say that there is not any reason to fret a couple of quadruple-demic (ph). That is only been landed in competition.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: All right, Scott, here is your last quote.
KURTIS: Being a wife is basically draining.
SAGAL: That was any person telling The Recent York Times about why she and her husband try the newest thing in relationships, being married, but living how?
APPLEBAUM: Perhaps in separate houses?
SAGAL: Yes, exactly – living apart.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: An increasing number of married couples are finding – I really like the audience – like, that sounds good.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Apart from one guy within the back was like, yes.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: The one guy whose wife’s not here.
SAGAL: Exactly.
BURKE: She’s in a distinct theater.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: An increasing number of couples apparently are finding that the key to happiness is sleeping in separate beds, that are, themselves, situated in separate houses. But you would like really true married bliss, fake your personal death; move to a different country.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: Oh. This does sound sort of nice. I do not know. I have been married 22 years, and I’ve – I never considered living apart. But I assumed that we should always get a girlfriend.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: No. Just – everybody wins.
JOHNSON: It is best to each get a girlfriend, or a girlfriend for the couple?
PAPA: For us, for the home, for…
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: For the table.
SAGAL: Exactly.
PAPA: I’d say it might be a boyfriend, but that is going to be trouble ’cause it is a guy – so a woman simply to be there and to fill in for all of the stuff we don’t need to do after 22 years, which is rather a lot.
SAGAL: I’m not quite sure where you are going with this.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: I do know where he’s going with this. He will divorce court.
KURTIS: That is right.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: So that is what happened. The Times profiled three couples who said they found that they needed to inhabit their very own spaces to pursue their passions. And the constant presence of the opposite was smothering to their spirits. By the top of the article, you didn’t need to live with any of them either.
(LAUGHTER)
JOHNSON: I mean, people have been doing this already, right? Women have she sheds.
BURKE: Right.
JOHNSON: Guys have the toilet.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: That does not – I’m just going to say, assuming that is correct, that does not sound fair. Like, I will have this beautiful space only for myself, and you may have the toilet.
JOHNSON: You guys selected the toilet.
(APPLAUSE)
BURKE: Oh, I feel you will find the toilet selected us.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bill, how did Scott do on our quiz?
KURTIS: Scott was perfect. Boy, you’ve got been practicing, Scott.
SAGAL: Congratulations, Scott. Well done.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Thanks a lot for enjoying, Scott.
APPLEBAUM: Thanks very much.
(SOUNDBITE OF JOURNEY SONG, “SEPARATE WAYS (WORLDS APART)”)
SAGAL: At once, panel, it’s time so that you can answer some questions on this week’s news. Zainab, science has now proven something we now have at all times known. Women are only not interested in men who don’t do what?
(LAUGHTER)
JOHNSON: So many answers. They proved one?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: First one which involves mind – well, possibly not that one. Perhaps the second.
(LAUGHTER)
JOHNSON: I will go along with the 14th one.
SAGAL: OK.
JOHNSON: Who don’t walk on the skin of the sidewalk?
BURKE: That is a – that is pretty…
JOHNSON: I said the 14th one.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: That is interesting.
BURKE: That is pretty classy.
SAGAL: I’m going to provide you the reply because the actual fact of the matter is, the reply is women are only not interested in men who don’t do anything.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: And that counts as something. Sorry, my bros, however the era of the man-child is officially over. Now, you’ve got heard this story. A variety of straight men say that when they move in with their girlfriend or they get married, their partner loses sexual interest in them, and now we all know why. Well, men now know why. Women are like, duh.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: Playing video games – does that count as something?
SAGAL: Well, remember…
JOHNSON: No.
SAGAL: No. Remember, the issue is that if a lady appears like she’s taking good care of a toddler, all her sexual romantic interest will vanish because, . So think – is a video game something, like, a grown-ass man would do?
JOHNSON: Unless…
(LAUGHTER)
JOHNSON: Unless that child is a billionaire. I said it.
PAPA: Game on.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: I’ll say – that is true. I used to be playing a video game once, and a part of the video game was to scrub up the home.
SAGAL: Really?
BURKE: And I used to be like, if my girlfriend finds me doing this, she’s going to murder me.
SAGAL: Really? You are actually, like – you were pressing, , X, A, Y, B, and that moves the guy across the house, and he’s, like, putting the dishes away?
BURKE: I’m cleansing up a virtual house while surrounded in filth.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, “NO SCRUBS”)
TLC: (Singing) A scrub is a man that thinks he’s fly and can be often known as a busta, at all times talking about what he wants and just sits on his broke ass. So no…
SAGAL: Coming up, it is a souped-up Bluff The Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play. We’ll be back in a minute with more WAIT WAIT… DON’T TELL ME from NPR.
KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, that is WAIT WAIT… DON’T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I’m Bill Kurtis. We’re playing this week with Tom Papa, Zainab Johnson and Adam Burke. And here again is your host on the Studebaker Theatre in Chicago, Ailing., Peter Sagal.
SAGAL: Thanks, Bill. Thanks, everybody. You are very kind.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: At once it is time for the WAIT WAIT… DON’T TELL ME Bluff the Listener game. Call 1-888-WAITWAIT to play our game on the air. Hi, you’re on WAIT WAIT… DON’T TELL ME.
NATASHA: Hi there. My name is Natasha (ph), and I’m a recent transplant to Chicago, Ailing.
SAGAL: Hey, welcome. Welcome.
(CHEERING)
SAGAL: Where did you come from and why?
NATASHA: Yeah, good query. I’m asking myself that right away.
(LAUGHTER)
NATASHA: St. Louis and for some profession opportunity.
SAGAL: Oh, wow. That is great. Well, welcome to town. It’s great to have you ever. Having fun with it to date, I hope.
NATASHA: I’m. I’m. It’s a lovely city, and I live right on a park, so really get to benefit from the outdoors.
SAGAL: Yeah. And I do know the weather is bad now, but by August, it would be nice.
(LAUGHTER)
NATASHA: Well, I moved Memorial Day weekend. So I got here only for the most effective part. And now it is so gray.
SAGAL: And now . We fooled you. Natasha, welcome to the show. You are going to play our game through which you have to try to inform truth from fiction. Bill, what’s Natasha’s topic?
KURTIS: Kristina was facedown in a bowl of soup.
SAGAL: You’ve got heard of it was the most effective of times; it was the worst of times. You’ve got heard of it was a dark and stormy night. Well, we found the true best sentence ever to start out a story. Kristina was facedown in a bowl of soup. We found the story within the week’s news. Each of our panelists are going to let you know one which begins with that sentence, but only one among them is real. Your job – pick that story. Try this, and win the voicemail of your selection from anyone on our show.
NATASHA: All right.
SAGAL: Able to do that?
NATASHA: Absolutely.
SAGAL: All right. Your first story comes from Adam Burke.
BURKE: Kristina was facedown in a bowl of soup, much to the alarm of the opposite diners on the Taste of Tokyo Ramen Stop in Portland, Ore. – not so (ph) her sister, Stella Wilshire (ph), who was sat across from her filming the episode on her phone while giggling hysterically, especially when Kristina spat out the straw she had been using to breathe and exclaimed, I must have waited it for to chill down first. So it’s with the newest viral TikTok trend, urban snorkeling…
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: …By which participants are urged to submerge their heads and, in the event that they can, their whole bodies in various containers of liquid after which post the outcomes. A part of the allure of the trend is capturing the bewildered reactions of passersby. Some people say it is a political statement concerning the decline of natural snorkeling environments across the globe, said Clyde Talbot (ph), assistant professor of media studies at Colorado State University, whereas I feel kids identical to doing dumb stuff.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Kristina was facedown in a bowl of soup as a part of a TikTok trend called urban snorkeling. Your next soupy salesperson is Zainab Johnson.
JOHNSON: Kristina was facedown in a bowl of soup when her loving husband, Craig Spearman (ph), returned home from his job as a biology professor at Iowa State. Knowing his wife had been exhausted the past few months working on her doctorate thesis, he decided the most effective strategy to handle his wife was to simply let her sleep. The next morning, when she woke up, she was not only well rested, but her skin was glowing.
(LAUGHTER)
JOHNSON: In response to Professor Spearman’s evaluation, the salt content of the soup at room temperature left to soak on our skin acted as a natural and mild exfoliate, and the vegetables, mostly broccoli and cauliflower, are high in vitamin C and antioxidants. Each Kristina and her husband have quit their jobs and at the moment are marketing their latest beauty treatment as skin soup, or because the influencers are calling it, #soupfacing. Drew Barrymore recently tried it on her every day talk show, and she or he said after that she felt great. She looked younger and smelled delicious.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Kristina was facedown in a bowl of soup and discovered a latest skin treatment. Your last stew story comes from Tom Papa.
PAPA: Kristina was facedown in a bowl of soup. But why? Even when Kristina really loved the soup, why would she eat it that way? Perhaps Kristina was just fooling around. Or possibly Kristina was dead.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: That is what someone thought once they saw her through the window. They thought it looked odd – a completely dressed woman sitting at a table for 2 for over two hours, not moving, together with her head facedown in a bowl of soup. That is when the unidentified passerby called the police. About 20 minutes later, officers forced entry to the address, where they uncovered that the person, who was indeed facedown in a bowl of soup, was, in actual fact, a mannequin.
The police didn’t understand it at first, but they were actually in an art gallery owned by Banksy’s former agent. The mannequin was a piece by American artist Mark Jenkins. Jenkins’ “Kristina” was commissioned by the gallery director, who wanted a portrayal of a sister of the identical name who passed out and buried her face in a bowl of soup. Is that real sister who was facedown in a bowl of soup still alive? Only Banksy knows.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: All right.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: The one thing we do know is that Kristina was facedown in a bowl of soup. But was it from Adam Burke, a part of a latest TikTok craze called urban snorkelling? Was it from Zainab, the invention of a latest skin treatment? Or was it from Tom Papa, an art artwork that in actual fact was so realistic that the police were called and broke into the art gallery? Which of those is the true story from the week’s news?
NATASHA: They’re all pretty dark, but I will go along with C.
SAGAL: All right. So your selection is Tom’s story about Kristina together with her face down in a bowl of soup being a statue. To search out out the proper answer, we spoke to someone conversant in the true story.
DEBRAH WRIGHT: Officers have broken into their gallery, and it’s actually only a sculpture.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: That was Debrah Wright. She was director of one other art gallery, Cultivate 712 (ph), in Waco, Texas. She was talking concerning the talk of the gallery scene, the sculpture mistaken for a soup emergency.
Congratulations, Natasha. You bought it right. You’ve got won a degree for Tom Papa only for telling the reality. And you’ve got won the voice of anyone. You may pick from our show to your voicemail. Thanks a lot, and welcome to town. Come down and see us live sometime.
NATASHA: Thanks a lot. I’ll. Take care.
SAGAL: Take care. Bye-bye.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, “SOUP FOR ONE”)
CHIC: (Singing) Soup for one if you’re on the run.
SAGAL: And now the sport where individuals with multiple talents are given the chance to make use of none of them. Andrew Bird grew up around here, north of Chicago, as a student of the violin, but he didn’t really love classical music. As a substitute, he devoted himself to playing folk music after which swing and pop and eventually his own style, which has been called numerous things but is basically just Andrew Bird. He at all times comes back home this time of 12 months to do a series of beloved holiday concert events, and we’re delighted he could join us here. Andrew Bird, welcome to WAIT WAIT… DON’T TELL ME!
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: I spent a good period of time trying to search out any person who would define your style, and I could not. Are you able to? Are you able to say Andrew Bird’s music is…
ANDREW BIRD: I wish I could. It will get me out of numerous awkward elevator conversations.
SAGAL: Really? You might have conversations like, so, you are a musician. What do you play? And you are like, you don’t need to know.
(LAUGHTER)
BIRD: Yeah. I suppose it’s sort of experimental songwriting – pop, indie rock.
SAGAL: Right. Right. Do you’ve…
BIRD: It gives a hyphenated…
SAGAL: Yeah. Just keep adding hyphens. Eventually, you will describe it. And is it true that you just – as I said, you grew up – you were a student of the violin if you were a young kid. But you didn’t actually groove the classical music an excessive amount of?
BIRD: Well, I did. I learned to – the Suzuki method from early age.
SAGAL: That is if you play violin riding on a motorbike.
BIRD: Exactly. Yes.
(LAUGHTER)
BIRD: Yeah. It’s…
SAGAL: Focuses the mind.
BIRD: Violin is difficult, but doing that is basically…
PAPA: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
BIRD: I just wanted to put in writing my very own music.
SAGAL: Really? Really? Do you’ve, like, your first songs that you just wrote back if you began writing your personal songs?
BIRD: Yeah. The primary one I wrote was – I feel it was called “Nuthinduan Waltz.” And it was a couple of dog with a nasal disease.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: OK. I will say right there, I mean, that is just branching off from the everyday path because most guys and girls write their first songs about love or loneliness or homesickness or something like that. And also you were like, dog with a nasal disease?
BIRD: Well, it was about loneliness and love. There was – the dog was a subplot, I suppose.
(LAUGHTER)
BIRD: But it surely’s probably the most memorable thing concerning the song.
SAGAL: Really?
BIRD: I feel the road was, I’m just an old yout, with a cane product of root and a dog with a nasal disease.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Beat that, Billie Eilish.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: I even have to ask you about whistling. You might be truly one among the good whistlers. If there is a higher one, I do not understand it. I even have numerous questions. Did you’ve to devote as much time to learning to whistle in addition to you do as you probably did to, say, the violin?
BIRD: No. That is the thing – is, like, the violin is so difficult and there is all styles of contortions. Takes years to master it. After which the thing you do if you’re doing the dishes becomes where the cash is.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Right. Is not that funny? It occurs to me that you’ve a certain drawback. Most musicians, , will not be walking around carrying their guitar. So people won’t say, oh, wow, it’s you. Are you able to play me a song? But you’re at all times able to whistle. So do you get, like, requests from individuals who recognize you in elevators or other places?
BIRD: No, no, no. Yeah.
SAGAL: But do you ever, like, whip it out at parties, for instance?
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: Whoa. Whoa. Peter. Peter.
SAGAL: Look.
PAPA: Peter.
SAGAL: I expected higher from all of you.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: You are a public radio audience. Act prefer it.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: We expected higher of you.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: The whistling. The whistling. You ever – like, oh, you are at a celebration, and also you start whistling and begin gathering people around.
BURKE: So many higher ways to phrase that.
(LAUGHTER)
BIRD: I did find myself at a elaborate party in Recent York that was thrown by Vanity Fair and Interview magazine, and it was music people party. And I used to be at, like, the indie rock kids table.
(LAUGHTER)
BIRD: And – so it was me and Joanna Newsom and Peaches and…
SAGAL: Those are cool – was it actually, like, a little bit small table on the side of the room, like, within the kitchen?
BIRD: It felt that way. It felt like the children table since the guests of honor were Jon Bon Jovi and Mariah Carey over at, like…
SAGAL: Oh, OK. Yeah.
BIRD: …The massive kids table. So I had a couple of drinks, and I went over to discuss with Mariah. And she or he said, oh, what do you do? And I said…
(LAUGHTER)
BIRD: …I’m a songwriter and violinist, and I whistle. And she or he said, oh, I whistle with my throat.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: OK.
BIRD: And I said, yes, you do, Mariah Carey. You whistle along with your throat.
(LAUGHTER)
BIRD: That is her thing, like that super high, like, squeezed – after which she said, hey, let’s, like – let’s jam.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Yeah.
BIRD: And we began – I do not know. We just began with “(Sittin’ On) The Dock Of The Bay.” After which we were kind of trading fours, and she or he would do 4 bars whistling.
SAGAL: All right. We – I actually wasn’t going to do that.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: I assume that you just would find this annoying, but I will do it anyway. Could you share a few of, like, what you were whistling with Mariah Carey?
JOHNSON: Please. Please.
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
SAGAL: And – Zainab goes to do the Mariah part.
JOHNSON: Exactly.
(LAUGHTER)
BIRD: I mean, I could not – And the very first thing I assumed of was “(Sittin’ On) The Dock Of The Bay.” So I just whistled (whistling). After which she did, like – I do not know.
SAGAL: We’re not going to…
BIRD: It was all a blur.
(APPLAUSE)
BIRD: So ever since that day, I at all times thought I’d be great if I could reach out to Mariah Carey, and we could, like, do, like, a slow jam duet.
SAGAL: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
BIRD: And all I do know is within the video, there’s going to be a lot of candles and a lot of….
SAGAL: Oh, very romantic.
(LAUGHTER)
BIRD: Yeah.
SAGAL: Very romantic.
BIRD: Yeah.
SAGAL: That’d be pretty amazing.
BIRD: Yeah. Well, Andrew Bird, it’s a delight to have you ever here. Now we have asked you here this time to play a game we’re calling…
KURTIS: Put Your Lips Together and Blow.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: As we now have discussed, you’re known for whistling, so we thought we might ask you about other people who find themselves famous for whistling – referees. Answer 2 out of three questions accurately. You will win our prize for one among our listeners, the voice of their selection on their voicemail. Bill, who’s Andrew Bird playing for?
KURTIS: Ken Alba (ph) of Boston, Mass.
SAGAL: All right.
BIRD: All right.
SAGAL: You ready?
BIRD: Mm hmm.
SAGAL: OK.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: NFL referee Ben Dreith went down in history after the Jets’ Marty Lyons tackled the Bills quarterback after which began punching the quarterback repeatedly. The ref gave Lyons a 15-yard penalty for what? A, quote, “really, really unnecessary roughness,” B, quote, “giving him the business down there,” or C, reckless endangerment of his own fist.
BIRD: B.
SAGAL: Andrew selected B.
BIRD: Giving him the business down there.
SAGAL: And also you sons of guns are all fallacious, and he’s right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: It was B.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Fifteen-yard penalty for giving him within the business down there. All right. Next query – during a soccer game in Britain in 2009, each teams got frustrated with the referee’s constant whistling, but all was forgiven after they realized what? A, the referee had a sinus infection and was just respiratory, B, the whistling was coming from a parrot who had learned to mimic the sound of a ref, or C, the ref was in love and easily had a song in his heart he couldn’t contain.
(APPLAUSE)
BIRD: I like C, but I will go along with A, I feel.
SAGAL: You are going to go along with A, he had a sinus infection and was just respiratory.
BIRD: Yeah.
SAGAL: That is some sinus infection. No, it was actually B, the parrot. There was a parrot within the stadium that was imitating the sound of the whistle. And once they figured that out, they banned the parrot from the match…
(LAUGHTER)
BIRD: OK.
SAGAL: …’Cause that may have been confusing.
BIRD: Yeah.
SAGAL: It is advisable to get that parrot to your band – just saying. All right, it’s OK. Should you get this one right, you win. Last query – a ref named Andy Wayne did something in one other English soccer match that has never been done before or since. What was it? A, after it began pouring in the midst of the match, he called a penalty on God…
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: …B, frustrated with one team’s very poor performance, he just ran in and kicked in a goal himself…
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: …Or C, he gave himself a red card and removed himself from the match.
(LAUGHTER)
BIRD: So yellow card to God or…
SAGAL: Second selection was he just got frustrated, ran in, kicked the ball.
BIRD: Frustrated, kicked the ball in.
SAGAL: Yeah. Or C gave himself a red card and removed himself from the match.
BIRD: I can not see a ref, like, being that apologetic about anything, , turning on themselves like that. So I will say…
SAGAL: Really? Is your experience with refs is that they simply – they’re just too smug to do something like that?
BIRD: You might have to have this resolve, ?
SAGAL: Right.
BIRD: Should you give a little bit weakness, they’ll tear you apart.
SAGAL: That is true. But, after all, in the event you throw yourself out, you are not there to be torn apart.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: Andrew, I’m not attempting to let you know anything, but listen for the clues.
(LAUGHTER)
BIRD: Yeah. I’m picking up a little bit something.
SAGAL: You are picking up what I’m putting down here?
BIRD: Yeah, he…
SAGAL: I even have mentioned I’m a giant fan.
BIRD: He kicked himself out of the match.
SAGAL: He did try this.
BIRD: Yeah.
SAGAL: He showed himself a red card. What happened was…
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: …He got very offended at a player, and he kind of squared himself as much as fight the guy, after which he realized what he had done. He held up a red card at himself, and he walked off the pitch. True story. Bill, how did Andrew Bird do on our quiz?
KURTIS: He whistled a winning tune – 2 out of three.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Pretty good. Pretty good. I do not think Mariah Carey could have done that.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Andrew Bird’s latest album is “Inside Problems.” You may see him now on tour. Andrew Bird, thanks a lot for coming down and joining us at WAIT WAIT… DON’T TELL ME!
BIRD: Thanks.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Andrew Bird, everybody.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, “FAITHLESS GHOST”)
BIRD: (Singing) I’ve seen your face before.
SAGAL: In only a minute, Bill is making a limerick list and checking it twice. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to hitch us on the air. We’ll be back in a minute with more of WAIT WAIT… DON’T TELL ME! from NPR.
KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, that is WAIT WAIT… DON’T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I’m Bill Kurtis. We’re playing this week with Zainab Johnson, Adam Burke and Tom Papa. And here again is your host on the Studebaker Theatre in Chicago, Ailing., Peter Sagal.
SAGAL: Thanks, Bill.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: In only a minute, Bill tells the wild things to let the wild rumpus start in our Listener Limerick Challenge. Should you’d prefer to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAITWAIT. That is 1-888-924-8924. At once, panel, some more questions for you from the week’s news. Tom, numerous our listeners enjoy taking their reusable tote bags to the food market as a substitute of shopping for those wasteful single-use plastic bags. When this week CNN reported exactly how persistently it is advisable to use one among those cloth tote bags to make it more eco-friendly than the plastic bag. How persistently?
PAPA: I think the precise number is 239.
SAGAL: That is not true.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: Oh.
SAGAL: I will make this a little bit easier for you.
PAPA: OK.
SAGAL: I’m going to provide you the purpose in the event you guess inside 2,000 of the precise number.
JOHNSON: Wow.
PAPA: Really?
SAGAL: Really.
PAPA: Oh. Two thousand and one times.
SAGAL: No, I’m afraid not. The reply is 7,100 times – 7,100 times. Yes.
PAPA: I’m pretty sure I said that.
SAGAL: No. Plastic bags find yourself within the ocean. And the clerk at Whole Foods at all times silently judges you if you use them. However the production of a single cloth tote bag creates a much larger carbon footprint with all of the manufacturing than a plastic one. So in the event you really need to assist the environment, just remember to take your bag to the shop each day for 19 1/2 years.
JOHNSON: Oh, my God.
PAPA: Whoa.
BURKE: I got to say, I’m surprised at this anti-tote bag propaganda coming from NPR.
SAGAL: Yeah, I do know.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Well…
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: …I mean, there may be a scandal. Seems NPR paid off CNN to broadcast this after the winter pledge drive.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: So does that mean you may throw out your plastic bag if you’re done using it? Or – because I try to reuse those.
SAGAL: Yes. Well, that is superb of you.
BURKE: What if I take advantage of my cloth tote bag to hold plastic bags?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: You then…
PAPA: Oh, yeah, just the skin – simply to let people know.
BURKE: That I’m an excellent person.
PAPA: That you simply’re pretentious.
BURKE: And I’ve got 7,100 plastic bags.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Adam, disgraced crypto banker Sam Bankman-Fried was arrested this week, but he asked the judge to not send him to prison because he says he’s just too what?
BURKE: Too cool for prison.
SAGAL: No, not that.
BURKE: Can I get a clue?
SAGAL: You may. He shouldn’t worry – I’m unsure there may be actually meat in prison food.
BURKE: Oh, he’s too – are you able to be too vegan for prison?
SAGAL: That is what he says he’s.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: He says he’s too vegan for prison. Crypto dork Sam Bankman-Fried requested bail because he’s, quote, “a depressed vegan,” unquote. Unfortunately for him, the request was denied due to redundancy.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: His parents have actually been calling the Bahamian prison to ascertain on his dietary needs. However the prison says Bankman-Fried is not going to get special treatment there, which is sweet because in his case, the special treatment would simply to be a little bit worse than everybody else.
BURKE: I’ll say at the least now I do know what my next tattoo goes to be – too vegan for prison.
SAGAL: Exactly.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Give it some thought. He’s the one person for, like, a crew cut and an orange prison jumpsuit could be a major improvement to his life.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Zainab, lots of us have family coming to go to this holiday, and a latest survey finds there’s a very nice thing our guests can do in the primary 4 days of their visit. What’s that?
JOHNSON: Wow. Guests stay for 4 days?
SAGAL: Well, that is the query, is not it?
JOHNSON: The great thing that guests can do in the primary 4 days – leave early.
SAGAL: Leave is the reply.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Yes.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: For anybody going home, perhaps to the family, to go to this Christmas season, the survey finds that by day 4 of your visit, your hosts want you to go away. That is an incredible finding. How did anyone make it to 4 days with their parents to search out out?
PAPA: 4 days.
SAGAL: 4 days.
PAPA: That’s – is that long?
BURKE: I at all times find it a bit rude that my – when I’m going home, my mother actually has the countdown.
SAGAL: Yes.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Imagine you are staying with family for a few nights and you are like, hey, what are you as much as? And your cousin’s like, nothing much. Just drafting up a social research study about when guests have overstayed their welcome.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, “BAD COMPANY”)
BAD COMPANY: (Singing) Bad company, and I can not deny. Bad company, till the day I die.
SAGAL: Coming up, it’s Lightning Fill within the Blank. But first, it is the game where you’ve to listen for the rhyme. Should you’d prefer to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That is 1-888-924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. You may see us most weeks right here on the Studebaker Theater in downtown Chicago. For tickets and more information, just go to nprpresents.org.
Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT… DON’T TELL ME.
CRAIG VOLLMER: Hello, Peter.
SAGAL: Hey, who’s this?
VOLLMER: That is Craig Vollmer (ph) from Fort Collins, Colo., which is…
(CHEERING)
SAGAL: Fort Collins up north there, north of Denver within the Front Range. What do you do there?
VOLLMER: So I’m a marriage photographer.
SAGAL: How awesome. Is there a secret to an excellent wedding photograph? Because there’s numerous them I’ve seen – And I’m not going to say whose wedding it was – where I looked pretty uncomfortable.
(LAUGHTER)
VOLLMER: An absolute secret is just making people relaxed and capturing them when they are not self-conscious.
SAGAL: Right. You might have to sneak up behind them. I like it.
VOLLMER: Yeah.
SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Craig. Bill Kurtis goes to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. Should you can fill in that last word or phrase accurately in two of the limericks, you will be a winner. Able to play?
VOLLMER: Absolutely.
SAGAL: Here’s your first limerick.
KURTIS: In the shops from LA to Atlanta, there is not any chubby, white-bearded enchanter. Being jolly and round is a health risk, we have found. And now there may be a shortage of…
ELLA: Santa.
SAGAL: Santa. Wait a minute.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: He’s got Benjamin Button disease.
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: Brought in an authority.
SAGAL: Hold on, hold on, hold on. Initially, that is right, Santas.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Secondly, Craig, is there someone there with you?
(LAUGHTER)
VOLLMER: That is – this whole idea – call in with Ella (ph). So yes.
SAGAL: Ella. And what’s Ella’s relationship to you?
ELLA: He’s my dad.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Wow.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: And, Ella, how old are you?
ELLA: I’m 11.
SAGAL: You are 11. OK. Yes, you’re absolutely in the middle of our demographic.
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: Right. Within the club.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Well, Ella, it’s nice to have you ever. I’m glad you are helping your father. And I do not know if he was going to get it right, but when not, you only jumped in and saved him since it is Santas. America is facing a Santa shortage. As malls and stores finally open, there’s more demand for Santas than Santas to fill it. And we should always say to our younger listeners, we’re talking concerning the helpers who portray Santa on the mall, not the true Santa, of whom there cannot ever be a shortage because reindeer fly over your supply chain.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: All right, you crazy two.
VOLLMER: (Laughter).
SAGAL: Here’s your next limerick.
KURTIS: Within the mornings, my laptop is off key. But one cup of Joe makes it blastoff-y (ph). The caffeine within the wires helps synapses fire. The AI hurries up with some…
VOLLMER: Caffeine.
SAGAL: Oh, you are close. It just has to rhyme with off key and off-y.
VOLLMER: Coffee.
SAGAL: Coffee. Yes, exactly.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
KURTIS: Coffee.
SAGAL: Yeah.
KURTIS: Thanks.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Scientists have for a long time been attempting to improve the performance of semiconductors. That is what’s at the guts of all our tech. And it seems coffee seems to make semiconductors work faster. I’d let you know more about this story, but as soon as I read the primary couple of sentences, I immediately poured a full cup of coffee onto my laptop…
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: It not works. All right, guys, here is your final limerick.
KURTIS: To guard and to care, I’m duty sworn. And there is grazing space here, grass is newly shorn. My mythical horse can be loaned here, after all. I’m licensed to have my very own…
ELLA: Unicorn.
SAGAL: Yes, unicorn, Ella.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
KURTIS: Ella, Ella, Ella, Ella.
SAGAL: A 6 – I’m so glad you bought that, too.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: A 6-year-old girl wrote a letter to LA County, asking, quote, “I would love your approval if I can have a unicorn in my backyard, if I can find one,” unquote. So that they issued her a unicorn license, and now it’s all as much as her to hunt one down, break its spirit, and force it into captivity.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: The girl’s biggest dream was to maintain a unicorn, but her second-biggest dream was to use for a license through the suitable bureaucratic channels.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: So things are going well to date.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: I’m sick of all of the unlicensed unicorns running around my neighborhood.
SAGAL: It’s true. What are they going to do about it?
PAPA: Also, people, pick up after your unicorns, for God’s sake.
SAGAL: Please.
PAPA: Just rainbows all over the place.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bill, how did Craig and Ella do on our quiz?
KURTIS: Well, Ella got three. Craig got none.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Well, congratulations, Craig and Ella. You might have won our game. Thanks a lot for enjoying.
PAPA: Woohoo.
VOLLMER: Thanks.
SAGAL: Thanks guys a lot. Take care.
VOLLMER: Bye.
SAGAL: Bye-bye.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
SAGAL: Now on to our final game, Lightning Fill within the Blank. Each of our players could have 60 seconds through which to reply as many fill-in-the-blank questions as they will. Each correct answer is now value two points. Bill, are you able to give us the scores?
KURTIS: Adam and Tom each have two. Zainab has three.
(APPLAUSE)
PAPA: Wow.
SAGAL: I’m unsure how that happened, but I’m glad it did. So, OK, then. That signifies that I will arbitrarily select Tom to go first. The clock will start once I begin your first query. Fill within the blank – on Wednesday, the House passed a one-week spending bill aimed toward avoiding a blank.
PAPA: Government shutdown.
SAGAL: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: On Monday, Elon Musk dissolved blank’s Trust and Safety Council.
PAPA: Twitter.
SAGAL: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: This week, France defeated Morocco and can face Argentina within the championship game of the blank.
PAPA: World Cup.
SAGAL: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: On Monday, dozens of homes were damaged as a robust blank blew through the West Coast.
PAPA: Tornado. I mean, a winter storm.
SAGAL: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Officials are warning people this week to ascertain their Christmas trees for pine-cone-like growths that are stuffed with blank.
PAPA: Fentanyl?
SAGAL: No. A whole lot…
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: A whole lot of praying mantises. On Thursday, an Air Force veteran in captivity since June was released as a part of a prisoner swap between Ukraine and blank.
PAPA: Russia.
SAGAL: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: On Sunday, NASA’s Artemis One mission to the blank successfully splashed down within the Pacific Ocean.
PAPA: To Mars?
SAGAL: No, to the moon. This week, police in Michigan were called…
(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)
SAGAL: …To a vacation party after a person dressed because the Grinch blanked.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: Died?
SAGAL: No. He – they were called to the vacation party since the man dressed because the Grinch punched a person dressed as Rudolph.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: They thought he had a red nose before.
SAGAL: Exactly. Bill, how did Tom do on our quiz?
KURTIS: Near perfection. Five right, 10 more points, 12 gives him the lead.
SAGAL: All right.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Adam, you’re up next. Fill within the blank. In preparation for a spike in case numbers, the White House announced it was relaunching its free blank test program.
BURKE: COVID.
SAGAL: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: On Thursday, Russia warned the U.S. of consequences in the event that they supply blank with a Patriot missile system.
BURKE: Ukraine.
SAGAL: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: This week, a petition to unionize was filed by the workers of Blank Street Coffee.
BURKE: I do not know.
SAGAL: No, the reply is Blank Street Coffee.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: Boo.
SAGAL: That is the corporate’s name. After being sworn in on Sunday, Karen Bass officially became the primary woman to function mayor of blank.
BURKE: Los Angeles.
SAGAL: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: In response to a latest study, intermittent fasting may help patients affected by Type 2 blank.
BURKE: Diabetes.
SAGAL: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: After saying he had a serious announcement this week, Donald Trump revealed blank.
(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)
BURKE: A series of kind of baseball trading cards along with his face on it.
SAGAL: Exactly right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: For less than $99, the set of cards – it is not even real. They’re NFTs. They feature drawings of Trump in superhero outfits, shooting lasers out of his eyes and riding on elephants.
BURKE: Does NFT stand for no f’ing thanks?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bill, how did Adam do on our quiz?
KURTIS: Five right, 10 more points, 12 makes him tied with Tom.
SAGAL: All right. So what number of then…
PAPA: Tied?
SAGAL: Tied – what number of, then, does Zainab must walk in here and win on her first appearance on our show?
KURTIS: To take it away, five.
SAGAL: Here we go, Zainab.
JOHNSON: I’m so afraid.
SAGAL: Do not be afraid.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: That is for the sport. Here we go. Fill within the blank. On Tuesday, President Biden signed a bill protecting same-sex blanks into law.
JOHNSON: Marriage.
SAGAL: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: On Wednesday, the Senate unanimously agreed to ban social media site blank on government devices.
JOHNSON: TikTok.
SAGAL: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: This week, the Federal Reserve signaled they’d proceed to lift blanks in 2023.
JOHNSON: Rates of interest.
SAGAL: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: This week, the son of the president of Uganda agreed to take over for his father, but provided that he can blank.
JOHNSON: Take over his father – oh, I do not know.
SAGAL: He’ll take over provided that he can get enough likes on Twitter. This week, the Recent York Times released their most stylish…
(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)
SAGAL: …People list for 2022 and surprised readers by including blank.
JOHNSON: Someone who’s not that stylish. Mark Zuckerberg.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: All right. All right. That is not the reply we were on the lookout for. But on the list – it wasn’t Mark Zuckerberg. It was Mark Zuckerberg’s metaverse avatar.
JOHNSON: Really?
SAGAL: That was one among the things on the list. So I’m going to provide you the purpose.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: The one we were hoping you’d guess at was – amongst probably the most stylish list in The Recent York Times was the spotted lanternfly. The invasive species is decimating crops, but rattling, girl, that carapace is fire.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bill, did Zainab do well enough to win?
KURTIS: Zainab is the newbie, and she or he got 4 right – eight more points. Eleven is only one wanting our winners which have tied, Adam and Tom.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Now, panel, what can be the following big breakthrough?
Adam Burke.
BURKE: Scientists will create a drug that can actually permit you to be enthusiastic about fusion research.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Zainab Johnson.
JOHNSON: A redistribution of consciousness and/or body swapping.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: And Tom Papa.
PAPA: A single universal bank card machine so we will pay for stuff without feeling like a moron.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
KURTIS: Well, if any of that happens, panel, we’ll ask you about it on WAIT WAIT… DON’T TELL ME.
SAGAL: Thanks a lot to Bill Kurtis. Due to Adam Burke, Tom Papa. Congratulations to Zainab Johnson on an important debut. Due to all of you for listening. Due to our audience here on the Studebaker Theater.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: I’m Peter Sagal. We’ll see you next week.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
SAGAL: That is NPR.
Copyright © 2022 NPR. All rights reserved. Visit our website terms of use and permissions pages at www.npr.org for further information.
NPR transcripts are created on a rush deadline by an NPR contractor. This text will not be in its final form and will be updated or revised in the long run. Accuracy and availability may vary. The authoritative record of NPR’s programming is the audio record.