Fresh off of “Bad Cinderella” comes the brand new Broadway musical “Once Upon a One More Time” — an even worse Cinderella.
Two hours and half-hour with one 15-minute intermission. On the Marquis Theatre.
The dreadful show, which opened Thursday night on the Marquis Theatre, takes the pop songs of Britney Spears and plops them willy-nilly in a feminist Cinders during which the important character realizes there’s more to life than falling in love with a prince.
Good for you, Cindy, but wouldn’t it’s nice in the event you were each a freethinking, independent woman and your musical’s story made a lick of sense?
It’s bibbidi-bobbidi-brainless. As an alternative of crafting compelling characters or a gripping plot, book author Jon Hartmere has combined dance floor tunes from the aughts and half-baked, teacher’s-pet ideas into shapeless mush.
“Once Upon” is never fun, but all the time cloying and not possible to follow.
Cinderella (played as a one-note deer within the headlights by Briga Heelan) starts to comprehend that “happily ever after” is a complete lotta hooey while hanging along with her pals Snow White (Aisha Jackson), Sleeping Beauty (Ashley Chiu), Rapunzel (Gabrielle Beckford), Princess Pea (Morgan Whitley) and the Little Mermaid (Lauren Zakrin).
The damsels sing “Baby One More Time” initially of the show as they’re attempting to woo princes. But Cinderella has a special idea for her future than settling down.
“Sometimes I do think, gosh, possibly I’d wish to, I dunno, hang onto each slippers for a change,” she says with the guilelessness of Betty White on “The Golden Girls.” “Or stay out past midnight.”
The entire musical is more of the standard take-back-the-narrative, girl-power messaging utilized by “Six” and “& Juliet,” only without their smarts or watchability.
The princess posse gag, by the best way, has been done much better and more cleverly by the flicks “Shrek” and “Ralph Breaks the Web.” The novelty of a fairytale meet-up has worn off, especially with the actresses donning Loren Elstein’s vague costumes which can be so determined to not seem like Disney, they don’t seem like much of anything.
The narrator (Adam Godley) wants rebellious Cinderella to persist with the script. But her Fairy Godmother — called The O.F.G. for optimum annoyance — walks on and hands her a replica of “The Feminine Mystique” by Betty Friedan and tells the girl that she and Betty live together in Flatbush.
Huh?
And that strange moment, someway, is taken into account enough to hold a two-and-a-half-hour musical on.
Prince Charming is here, in fact. A excellent Justin Guarani sings “Oops!… I Did It Again” since the Casanova’s been hitting on multiple princesses, Scandoval-style.
The wonderful Jennifer Simard plays the Stepmother and, similar to Carolee Carmello because the Stepmother in “Bad Cinderella,” is the very best a part of a middling show. Every time Simard is on stage the audience is relieved, like they’ve just found a chilly bottle of Poland Spring within the Sahara.
The sweet Ryan Steele plays Prince Erudite, a bashful suitor with a secret.
And, because the narrator, Godley is … British.
For a lot of the story nit-picking won’t matter as long as Spears’ hits are here: “Toxic,” “Crazy,” “Stronger” and more are shoved within the jampacked suitcase. And, yes, they’re terrific songs.
The issue is that, unlike that of ABBA or Celine Dion, Spears’ oeuvre simply is just not theatrical music. Taken en masse, they grow exhausting and, dare I say, dull.
Co-directors/choreographers Keone Madrid and Mari Madrid stage the numbers energetically, however the moment they end they’re completely forgotten.
They’re not helped in any respect by Anna Fleischle’s sets, that are flimsy and sparse and never effective in differentiating one location from the subsequent.
How surreal it’s to observe giant talents like Godley (earth-shattering in “The Lehman Trilogy”), Simard (a comic book genius in “Company”) and Steele (a sensational dancer) wasted on this wreck. They’re wonderful and manage to spin straw into gold here, and the audience is completely satisfied to see them.
But I sit up for seeing all of them in something not so toxic.
