DEAR ABBY: I even have a sister-in-law, “Helen,” who has appointed herself as the ultimate word on all family events. No other relative has any input into when, where, what, etc., regarding any family celebration. If it’s not her way, it’s the highway.
The largest problem with Helen is she schedules the whole lot on the date that matches her calendar without regard for anyone else’s. An example: We once celebrated Christmas in February because that worked best for her. One other time, my wife and I scheduled a sophisticated vacation around my brother’s birthday so we could possibly be there to rejoice with him. Helen moved his celebration right into the center of our prepaid vacation.
More examples: Thanksgiving is well known in early December, and other significant dates fall every time she decides and are subject to alter on the last moment at her whim. Complying with Helen’s one-sided demands makes planning for everybody else a nightmare.
The control doesn’t end there. It also includes the venue, menu and guest list. She even puts place cards on the table designating the seating arrangements. As with the whole lot else, these are NOT negotiable. If not complied with, the “offender” is subjected to a minimum of six months of silent treatment and ghosting. How does one cope with this? — CONTROLLED IN FLORIDA
DEAR CONTROLLED: One deals with this by discussing it with other members of the family to see in the event that they feel similar to you do and are willing to face the results of Helen’s prolonged silences, which, from my perspective, is likely to be a relief. (Then pray she doesn’t plan your funeral.)
DEAR ABBY: I’m a nurse who still works full time. Most of my peers are retired. Several of them I’ve began to avoid in any respect costs. Every time I consult with them, all they wish to discuss are their aches and pains, how sick they’re and the way mad they’re at their kids, siblings or spouse). They aren’t just annoyed. They’re furious about any real or perceived slight.
I even have considered introducing all of them to one another in order that they could have a bunch pity party. I even have suggested consulting their doctors or trying psychotherapy. I’m just bored with it. I can’t stand the negativity or their hypochondria. I feel guilty, but I now dread any phone call, text or invitation to get together. Please help. I don’t wish to hurt anyone, but I’m worn out. — POSITIVE PERSON IN THE SOUTH
DEAR POSITIVE PERSON: There comes a time, normally across the age of fifty, when some folks begin pruning their friend list. Bluntly put, this implies removing sources of constant negativity. Because your former peers drag you down with their family dysfunction and “organ recitals,” when they struggle to make contact, remind them that while they’re retired and have free time, you continue to work and are strapped for it — which is why you possibly can’t be involved as often as they need you to be. Being unavailable isn’t rude. Sometimes, it’s self-defense.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also often called Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
DEAR ABBY: I even have a sister-in-law, “Helen,” who has appointed herself as the ultimate word on all family events. No other relative has any input into when, where, what, etc., regarding any family celebration. If it’s not her way, it’s the highway.
The largest problem with Helen is she schedules the whole lot on the date that matches her calendar without regard for anyone else’s. An example: We once celebrated Christmas in February because that worked best for her. One other time, my wife and I scheduled a sophisticated vacation around my brother’s birthday so we could possibly be there to rejoice with him. Helen moved his celebration right into the center of our prepaid vacation.
More examples: Thanksgiving is well known in early December, and other significant dates fall every time she decides and are subject to alter on the last moment at her whim. Complying with Helen’s one-sided demands makes planning for everybody else a nightmare.
The control doesn’t end there. It also includes the venue, menu and guest list. She even puts place cards on the table designating the seating arrangements. As with the whole lot else, these are NOT negotiable. If not complied with, the “offender” is subjected to a minimum of six months of silent treatment and ghosting. How does one cope with this? — CONTROLLED IN FLORIDA
DEAR CONTROLLED: One deals with this by discussing it with other members of the family to see in the event that they feel similar to you do and are willing to face the results of Helen’s prolonged silences, which, from my perspective, is likely to be a relief. (Then pray she doesn’t plan your funeral.)
DEAR ABBY: I’m a nurse who still works full time. Most of my peers are retired. Several of them I’ve began to avoid in any respect costs. Every time I consult with them, all they wish to discuss are their aches and pains, how sick they’re and the way mad they’re at their kids, siblings or spouse). They aren’t just annoyed. They’re furious about any real or perceived slight.
I even have considered introducing all of them to one another in order that they could have a bunch pity party. I even have suggested consulting their doctors or trying psychotherapy. I’m just bored with it. I can’t stand the negativity or their hypochondria. I feel guilty, but I now dread any phone call, text or invitation to get together. Please help. I don’t wish to hurt anyone, but I’m worn out. — POSITIVE PERSON IN THE SOUTH
DEAR POSITIVE PERSON: There comes a time, normally across the age of fifty, when some folks begin pruning their friend list. Bluntly put, this implies removing sources of constant negativity. Because your former peers drag you down with their family dysfunction and “organ recitals,” when they struggle to make contact, remind them that while they’re retired and have free time, you continue to work and are strapped for it — which is why you possibly can’t be involved as often as they need you to be. Being unavailable isn’t rude. Sometimes, it’s self-defense.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also often called Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
