Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all of your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie helps a girl understand her sexual fantasies.
QUESTION: I’m a straight woman in her late 40s and I’ve recently divorced my husband of 16 years. We had grown apart and it wasn’t serving either of us anymore. I feel ready up to now again but I’m unsure about my sexuality. I’ve never been with one other woman nevertheless it’s something I even have fantasized about over time. I don’t wish to mess other women around by dating them if I’m not bisexual but how do I discover without giving it a try? I’m also concerned about how my ex and children would take it if I began seeing a girl.
ANSWER: We’re brought up with such rigid binaries of sexuality. Not less than after I was growing up, we were mainly told there have been three options – gay, straight or bisexual.
Together with this went the concept in case you’re straight you might be only ever interested in, and have sex with, members of the other sex and in case you’re gay or lesbian, you simply have sex with, and are interested in, people of the identical sex.
But we, as human beings, are beautifully complex. Our sexuality is equally beautiful and complicated. The fact is that our sexual attractions and practices don’t at all times fit with these black and white ideas.
Sexuality is diverse and versatile
Way back to 1948 renowned sex researcher, Dr Alfred Kinsey proposed that our sexual orientation wasn’t binary, but exists on a scale which he suggested had seven different points.
More recently, the term ‘heteroflexible’ has emerged to explain people who find themselves fluid of their sexual attraction and sexual behaviors.
Someone who has previously considered themselves heterosexual can fall in love or enjoy a sexual encounter with someone of the identical sex.
An infamous Schitt’s Creek scene described this brilliantly when David said, ‘I just like the wine and never the label’.
It’s common for ladies to have sexual fantasies about women
In a comprehensive study, psychologist and sex researcher Justin Lehmiller found that 59 percent of girls fantasize about sex with other women.
These fantasies don’t necessarily mean you’re bisexual or that you just desire a sexual encounter with a girl. Fantasies don’t at all times translate into behavior.
But, after all, your fantasies can open you as much as a recent world of exploration.
Ways to explore your sexuality
There are just a few ways you may want to contemplate exploring before you jump into dating women.
- Consult with a queer-friendly therapist
- Talking through your thoughts out loud can show you how to gain clarity and construct your confidence in taking the subsequent steps.
- Connect with the LGBTIQ+ community
- Consider connecting with others within the LGBTIQ+ community through books, articles, at events or in queer-friendly spaces. There are others who’ve experienced the same dilemma to you.
Take your time
There’s no rush to label or define your sexual orientation. Your feelings and attractions may evolve over time, and that’s okay. Selecting to date women now doesn’t mean that you just’ll exclusively date women for the remainder of your life. Allow yourself the space to explore and understand your feelings at your individual pace.
Be open with anyone you engage with
I hear your consideration of not wanting to harm anyone else’s feelings while you are trying to know what you would like. I do know you’re not going to intentionally hurt anyone.
Being open from the get-go with anyone you’re engaging with can alleviate your guilt and empower them to make their very own decisions.
Take it slowly together with your family
After such an extended time together with your ex-husband, it’s going to be hard while you start seeing anyone – no matter their gender.
You’re right that telling your loved ones you’re seeing a girl could cause challenges. And, you might be pleasantly surprised at how they react once they see that you just’re glad.
Take note that you just’re potentially a good distance from telling your loved ones about someone. There’s loads you possibly can explore and quite a lot of consider before you want to tell them anything about your dating life.
Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all of your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie helps a girl understand her sexual fantasies.
QUESTION: I’m a straight woman in her late 40s and I’ve recently divorced my husband of 16 years. We had grown apart and it wasn’t serving either of us anymore. I feel ready up to now again but I’m unsure about my sexuality. I’ve never been with one other woman nevertheless it’s something I even have fantasized about over time. I don’t wish to mess other women around by dating them if I’m not bisexual but how do I discover without giving it a try? I’m also concerned about how my ex and children would take it if I began seeing a girl.
ANSWER: We’re brought up with such rigid binaries of sexuality. Not less than after I was growing up, we were mainly told there have been three options – gay, straight or bisexual.
Together with this went the concept in case you’re straight you might be only ever interested in, and have sex with, members of the other sex and in case you’re gay or lesbian, you simply have sex with, and are interested in, people of the identical sex.
But we, as human beings, are beautifully complex. Our sexuality is equally beautiful and complicated. The fact is that our sexual attractions and practices don’t at all times fit with these black and white ideas.
Sexuality is diverse and versatile
Way back to 1948 renowned sex researcher, Dr Alfred Kinsey proposed that our sexual orientation wasn’t binary, but exists on a scale which he suggested had seven different points.
More recently, the term ‘heteroflexible’ has emerged to explain people who find themselves fluid of their sexual attraction and sexual behaviors.
Someone who has previously considered themselves heterosexual can fall in love or enjoy a sexual encounter with someone of the identical sex.
An infamous Schitt’s Creek scene described this brilliantly when David said, ‘I just like the wine and never the label’.
It’s common for ladies to have sexual fantasies about women
In a comprehensive study, psychologist and sex researcher Justin Lehmiller found that 59 percent of girls fantasize about sex with other women.
These fantasies don’t necessarily mean you’re bisexual or that you just desire a sexual encounter with a girl. Fantasies don’t at all times translate into behavior.
But, after all, your fantasies can open you as much as a recent world of exploration.
Ways to explore your sexuality
There are just a few ways you may want to contemplate exploring before you jump into dating women.
- Consult with a queer-friendly therapist
- Talking through your thoughts out loud can show you how to gain clarity and construct your confidence in taking the subsequent steps.
- Connect with the LGBTIQ+ community
- Consider connecting with others within the LGBTIQ+ community through books, articles, at events or in queer-friendly spaces. There are others who’ve experienced the same dilemma to you.
Take your time
There’s no rush to label or define your sexual orientation. Your feelings and attractions may evolve over time, and that’s okay. Selecting to date women now doesn’t mean that you just’ll exclusively date women for the remainder of your life. Allow yourself the space to explore and understand your feelings at your individual pace.
Be open with anyone you engage with
I hear your consideration of not wanting to harm anyone else’s feelings while you are trying to know what you would like. I do know you’re not going to intentionally hurt anyone.
Being open from the get-go with anyone you’re engaging with can alleviate your guilt and empower them to make their very own decisions.
Take it slowly together with your family
After such an extended time together with your ex-husband, it’s going to be hard while you start seeing anyone – no matter their gender.
You’re right that telling your loved ones you’re seeing a girl could cause challenges. And, you might be pleasantly surprised at how they react once they see that you just’re glad.
Take note that you just’re potentially a good distance from telling your loved ones about someone. There’s loads you possibly can explore and quite a lot of consider before you want to tell them anything about your dating life.
